(This is) What it sounds like

Yes, this is about KPop Demon Hunters, but also so much more.

This is a post about KPop Demon Hunters.

Kind of. Stay with me.

Music has always been a huge influence in my life.

Not just because I was a dancer for so many years, or a choreographer for a subset of those years, but a lot of times, music says out loud what I say in my head.

When I was a fitness instructor, I used that beat drop (iykyk) to bring that energy to class, and help others feel it as well.

We were in it together.

Music has power. Sometimes it says what we can’t. Or… what I couldn’t say.

You see, I spent a large portion of my life thinking that silence was the best path to fitting in when I was told I wasn’t enough.

I grew up a Japanese and American girl in Los Angeles, where I was often told I wasn’t Asian enough by Asians (let’s be real, sometimes the worst gatekeepers come from within the community). Or, when I would spend time in Japan, I’d be “the American” who wasn’t stereotypically American enough, rather than being considered Japanese, which I was, but wasn’t apparent to others.

So who was I?

I overindexed, as a result, on aggressively fitting in within those various spaces, because I’m also the type of person that if you tell me I’m not enough, I’ll spend all my energy proving you wrong.

When I was hanging out with my Asian or Asian American friends, I was all things “Asian” to the extreme. Deferential, studious, quiet, the perfect Asian daughter, friend, coworker - you name it. When I worked in Japan, my voice would go two octaves higher and I’d laugh covering my mouth, because I was the best Japanese worker out there. I was going to be perfect at being Japanese, so that no one would ever question that again.

I soon came to find out, however, that when I did that, I couldn’t say much of what I wanted to say, or show outwardly who I really was. There was no space for that, for so many reasons, because that directly went against much of what was expected of me.

That was the cost of perfection.

I never liked that part.

At some point, the cost of perfection became too much, especially when I realized that it was never enough for some people. I would never be Asian enough anyway. My silence didn’t get me to better places. It just made me feel… quiet. Not in a good way. And, fast forward many years, it took a lot of time, and a lot of inner work, to get to where I am now.

But now, I’m: someone who speaks her mind, even when it’s not popular; someone who gets loud for others; someone who pushes the Asian community to do better, because we are not a monolith and we need to gatekeep less and fight for each other more; and, someone who finds the words that previously only songs would say for her.

Because before I was worried about how people would see me. Was I Asian enough? Would my silence be enough to convince them?

Now, I’m worried about how silence keeps all of us complacent, and far from change. How perfection holds us back from speaking up for ourselves and others, especially at a time like this. Should we be worried about what people think of us? Or, rather, should we be more worried about the cost of our remaining silent?

OK, so how does this all relate to KPop Demon Hunters?

A few weeks ago, we watched KPop Demon Hunters as a family, which in and of itself was a minor miracle given our diverse tastes (putting it… diplomatically) in movies. But we sat down together, and LOVED it. I mean, watch-it-again-play-the-soundtrack-in-the-car-over-and-over-again-singing-along-loudly loved it.

In what I consider to be the best song from the movie*, “What It Sounds Like,” the three main characters grapple with all of what I wrote about from my own life (trying to write this without major spoilers is a little tough, but you probably get the gist of what I’m saying), as you can tell from these lyrics:

We're shattering the silence, we're rising, defiant
Shouting in the quiet, "You're not alone"
We listened to the demons, we let them get between us
But none of us are out here on our own
So we were cowards, so we were liars
So we're not heroes, we're still survivors
The dreamers, the fighters, no lying, I'm tired
But dive in the fire, and I'll be right here by your side

We broke into a million pieces, and we can't go back
But now we're seeing all the beauty in the broken glass
The scars are part of me, darkness and harmony
My voice without the lies, this is what it sounds like
Why did we cover up the colors stuck inside our head?
Get up and let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what's underneath, I'll find your harmony
Fearless and undefined, this is what it sounds like

….

Truth after all this time, our voices all combined
When darkness meets the light, this is what it sounds like

To be clear, they’re talking about literal demons here (hence the name of the movie), but I think you get the point: sometimes, when the burden of being perfect, of being the model minority if you’re Asian, of being silent because that means people will like you, of just being enough gets to be too much, you end up breaking, which feels terrible.

But then, in putting the pieces back together, you actually gain so much more. Including your voice. For me, I gained back a lot of myself, and realized - I was definitely Asian enough. In fact, I was more than enough.

And I think about this, when I think about where we are now - where we have the option to back down and let this administration steamroll us, and have our silence carry us forward into a future we probably don’t want, OR we can speak up, stand up, start fighting back however we can, and find something better for all of us.

When we stand together, when we get loud together, we are the strongest. The music says it for us. But maybe we can say it together, for ourselves.

Truth after all this time, our voices all combined
When darkness meets the light, this is what it sounds like

Maybe this is what it sounds - or looks - like, when we know that we are enough.

If this resonated, please share. I spend a lot of time out in the world talking about growing up mixed, and wanting my own very mixed kids to feel that they are enough from the jump, so they can find their voices from the start. If you’d like to hear more about the work I do, especially in schools and school communities on this front, please reach out.

Finally - if you haven’t seen KPop: Demon Hunters yet - do yourself a favor and watch it now. Thank me later. The song that I love is below - have a little dance party for me this weekend while you watch it and sing at the top of your lungs.

Your voice matters. You are enough.

*Reddit seems to agree with me though, on this one. Justsayin’.